The Very Secret Diaries
by Thaliae
Summary: Based on the Very Secret Diaries of the Lord of the Rings, by Cassieclaire. If you don't know them, humourous and slightly smutty take on events of film from point of view of various characters. Beginning with Elizabeth Swann.


Very Secret Diary of Elizabeth Swann

Day 1: Have just woken up with urge to look for shiny things, which don't understand as have no pirates or magpies in family. Found shiny thing but messed up hiding it as tired, and cleavage not overly large in undoctored state. Exposition – providing dreams can be very wearing, but not like I need my beauty sleep, especially when have new sparkly jewellery.

Easily prettiest.

Oooo...lovely corset, makes me look all nice and curvy. Honestly, who needs to breath when constricting ribcage with whale bone makes breasts look so big. Did mean took terrifying plunge into sea via rocky bit, but these kinds of things are only to be expected. On plus side saved by maybe-attractive man, except he was v. wet and looked like a bedraggled hamster. Turns out he is pirate. May have to revise opinions on attractiveness as bad-boys get extra credit, and are allowed to be smelly and dirty.

Was pondering whether more attractive than the commodore, but then not difficult to be more attractive than man in wig. Cannot decide if wearing wig to look like a woman or an old man. Not good, but less smelly. And does not try to steal my pretty sparkly jewellery, plus less risk of getting tangled and caught in hair. Honestly, one might never escape once trapped in that mess. Have seen the bone of a decomposed body in hair, so that all evidence I need of above theory.

Suspect pirate chap would not do as told either, and like my men much more obedient, held in proper awe of my beauty. Pirate – name of Sparrow, read about him, but somehow imagined he'd be taller – escaped in dramatic and flashy manner. Really, destroyed my lovely corset, tried to steal my jewellery and then manhandled me without putting his hands anywhere improper – some people are all take. Sometimes I hate that 12A rating.

But now they have caught Sparrow, and even if he is prettier than me when dry (which I doubt, but must consider possibility) he will be dead soon, so not a problem.

Oh, saw Will as well today. Not very impressed. Suspect he may have geek leanings. He broke one of our light holders today and no-one has found bit yet. Wonder what use he could have for it. Surely there is much metal in his shop. But then it was interestingly bendy and ridged, so...no, not proper thoughts for a lady.

later

Seems my dealings with pirates are not done. And they are sarcastic, and seem not to care that I am clearly the prettiest. First they break into my home, and only two of them are interested in trying to kidnap me while the rest try to steal the silver plate. Am I not worth more than gold and jewels? Then they chase me round the house (did I say house, I meant labyrinth mansion) find me in a closet and don't have the intelligence to make even the least witty pun known to man. Beginning to suspect they stupid as well as having bad skin. Then the drag me through town in my nightdress (no-one looks) and onto their ship where they try to trick me and they have a monkey. Don't think the monkey likes me much. Possibly because it thought it had a monopoly on being cute and endearing round here and now has competition. It probably persuaded them to lock me up in the horrible dark room I'm currently in in hopes that I'd get some kind of nutrient deficiency disease and my skin will go all scaly. Well, will show the little furred vermin whose vitamin levels are boss. So there.

Day 2:

Not much going on.

Expect someone is planning to rescue me. Probably Norrington. Dratted man probably expects me to win my hand by all this. Most inopportune timing, almost made me wonder whether corset was worth it.

But then, these thoughts likely induced by being on ship of heinously ugly people, correction, heinously ugly badly dressed people, where so easily prettiest it is laughable. Still, would not be here if not for piece of pesky jewellery. Heard there has been some problems with a gold ring, and now I am having them with stolen Aztec gold. Maybe just because gold so very tacky.

Day 3:

Bored

And curls falling out of hair. Wonder when we will get to where we are going. Wonder if I want to get to where I am going. Wonder if they are ever going to feed me. Have never gone this long without food, even before an event requiring a not-able-to-breathe kind of outfit. Sure it is not good for cleavage or thighs.

Wonder if can still enter into prettiest contest when dead of starvation. Maybe until begin to rot?

later

Am locked up again and respecting their command to be quiet. Personally I think my random running around ship and screaming at bad sfx pirates was very cute and endearing, even if did stab barbossa. Don't think either of us were very impressed, and knife to heart certainly not as effective as hoped it might be, what with them being undead and all. Am currently hiding in cabin of captain (nicer that previous dark, dank hovel and with windows. Result!) and am v. worried. Not sure this dress does much for my complexion.

Also, think pirates may be going to kill me soon.

Day 4:

Apparently was wrong – pirates not going to kill me. Also fell for the 'I'm a maid' line. Was kind of nice pretending to be a Turner – think Elizabeth Turner sounds okay – though name more impressive than current holder of name. But if I seriously can be taken for a maid, must do some more work on own elocution and deportment. But back to Turner. As discussed, bit of wimp. Seems no-one is coming to save me. Have decided to smirk over little victories, even though annoying captors may not be best idea. Must make do with what one can get.

Strange to see that pirates are not skeletal in daylight. Dress still as horrible in daylight, though. Now most certainly does not match my complexion.

Ah-ha! Someone has come to save me! And not just one man, but two men, with lovely long fingers. Unfortunately they got into bit of pissing-contest over who could rescue me and so doing win my hand. Big shame as would have been happy with either, but both is much better. Blame testosterone for this (as well as many other things).

Eventually decided to leave with Will. We had touching moment, but all went wrong when he accused me of being a dirty little thief. Well not in so many words, but think the Geek may be angry with me.

later

Am inclined to give Norrington a little more credit. Maybe all his obsessive compulsive disorder over details is a little justified. Planning naval battle is not hard. Planning and winning naval battle is much harder. Small matter of exploding ship not taken into account. If live, will have to work on it.

Though it seems like I will live – Will has just shown up and convinced them to set me free. Thought he was trapped below waterline in aforementioned exploding ship as fitting punishment for doing Gollum-impression when faced with shiny coin. Maybe thought it was a ring? Though, Geek the boy may be, but one has to commend devotion like that. Especially when said devotion keeps me alive.

Day 5:

I take it back. Will Turner is a fool and a geek and no amount of devotion or earnest expression will change that. He leaves loopholes so wide you could fit my pert and well formed rear through several times over. Though, after performance of stripping me and then having nerve to throw me off ship, must wonder about how pert and well formed my rear really is. Maybe was lack of corset, or mayhap pirates just confused. Think Will more attractive than me.

That must be it.

Easily prettiest, though would be less competition if alone on island. Though without hat and coat sparrow just looks like a colour-blind gypsy. Should not start contests he has no hope of winning. Especially when he drinking more rum than me. Plan to take advantage of that. He is not pretty enough to be allowed to take advantage of me.

Not pretty enough by half, no matter how see-through my shift when wet.

Day 6:

Why is the rum gone, indeed?

Quite clearly because I drank it all. No, no, that's wrong. I only drank a little bit, and it's got me all confused. Not that I shall let the second prettiest inhabitant of this island know that – he is after all a ruffian, and a commoner. Must retain imperious front.

Ah yes, where was I? Why is the rum gone – that was it?

Because I am a pyromaniac and wanted to make a big explosive fire to attract the attention of someone with a ship. Even if it has a man in enough brocade to sink said ship on it. Have even sacrificed complexion to soot-attack to gain this end. Suspect it will give me spots. Maybe will make brocade-man think again, so free to marry Will. Though, not sure how impressed with him I am, either.

Fire strangely calming.

May have to become goddess of fire-worshipping cult. Maybe that is unchristian? Must add it to list of things to give further thought if live beyond next few days.

later

Huzzah!

Fire signal worked (with or without divine intervention) and big, British ship now floating just off shore. As said, result! What a wonderful thing it is to have men wound around little finger, and even without a corset on. Faith in pert rear has been restored.

Brocade-man, sorry _James_, has volunteered to go back for Geek-man, and am also being accompanied by second-prettiest inhabitant of island. Although, unfortunately, he is no longer an inhabitant of the island, but rather of the ship. Not sure if he second or third prettiest on ship. Commodore quite dashing when he smiles, but then, that's not a common thing so, on average, Sparrow probably second prettiest.

Nowhere near first prettiest, especially as these breaches do wonders for my figure.

So, as was saying, taking ship back to Isla de Meurta to hopefully rescue Will, who I'm pretty sure does deserve some measure of gratitude for his heroism. Easier to come to this conclusion when not stranded on island facing death of starvation, but dry and warm and back on ship with lots of people who have been ordered to cater to my every whim. Will try and rescue Will.

The boys have some elaborate plan which leaves out the fact that the pirates can't be killed until the curse is lifted. Thinking it may represent a major flaw in plan. But when I tried to tell them about it the sarcastic one locked me in the map room. Think the sarcasm may be his defence method, as in reality is a rather weedy little man. Anyway, allows me a dramatic escape. Haven't had enough screen time lately.

later

Pirates. Bloody Pirates. I think that's all I have to say on the matter.

Bloody, bloody Pirates.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't done after all.

Glad I took time out from learning to be a lady and the tiring business of being pampered to learn how to row, though. Knew it would come in handy at some point.

I love being right.

At the moment looks like I'm heading into a bit of a swashbuckling moment in this whole adventure, and obviously Will needs my help. Haven't seen him yet, but sure he will do. Besides, less chance of getting ensnarled in _his _hair.

And ooooooooo, have thought of a witty line.

Hmm. No-one seemed to think it was quite so witty. Maybe should work on delivery.

Still got to fight side by side with Geek-boy who turns out to not be so bad after all, if a bit clueless. I pouted and flirted and did my best to look endearing once all the fighting bit was done (nearly got shot by pirate, saved by pirate, so some kind of karma going on there) and he kept going on about my fiancé. I mean, we've only been engaged a day. It's not like we're anywhere close to being married. What does he think I am, the committed type?

Think I will sulk, and then throw myself at the one who notices first.

Day 9:

Bored.

Not quite as bored as locked up on pirate ship with uncertain future and curls falling out, but bored still.

Have been watching many pirates die the past few days. Pretty sure none of them took the time to appreciate my nice dresses. And the crowd was too busy looking at them to pay attention to me. What did they think it was, their swansong?

So, as I said, bored waiting for next batch of smelly unfortunates to come out....and oh no.....it's Jack Sparrow. How come no-one told me.

This is wrong, and I've a good mind to tell the responsible adults around that it is.

Okay, just did, didn't seem to make much of an impression though.

But what's this? A man in the crowd not looking at sparrow...yes, yes....looking at me...and ooo....declaring undying love. For me, all you J/W shippers out there, me. Now normally I'd take it with a pinch of salt, this being a man and all, but his devotion has already been pretty well proved (see above).

Seems like he's going to do something rash, daring and foolish, and oh dear, I just said three words that mean the same thing, and I really ought to be providing a distraction. I think I'll stick with the disorderly corset theme.

But you know, I think the disorderly corset must be having a bad influence on me. Making me over confident. Have just decided to throw my lot in with two of the other serious contenders for _prettiest_ in these parts. What was I thinking?

Ah well, at least Jack's off chasing horizons and my kids are guaranteed to be beautiful.

I think I could bear one of them to take the crown of prettiest.


End file.
